


Koi no Yokan

by Hitomi_G



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "Delinquent" Ukai, AU, Age Difference, But some topics regarding toxic feelings made me choose not to use archive warnings, Coming of Age, I'm keeping the canon 3 year age difference, Librarian Takeda, M/M, Multi, Not Underage, Past Relationships, Pining, School, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Teenage Rebellion, Toxic feelings, nothing explicit either
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitomi_G/pseuds/Hitomi_G
Summary: 恋の予感: (Koi no yokan)(Japanese)(n.)(phr.) the sense one has upon meeting another person that they will fall in love.At 16 years old, Keishin is struggling to know what he wants for his future. He doesn't understand the feeling of growing up and becoming an adult, he doesn't get the excitement of everyone for starting university in a couple of years, and he just can't get what the whole falling in love deal is about. He's just living his youth as he can, letting himself be carried by the waves of time. And in the middle of that, he meets Takeda and his perspective on life starts changing a little.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Takeda Ittetsu/Ukai Keishin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**_ KOI NO YOKAN _ **

**_Chapter 1_ **

Although the heat was at its peak that particular summer in which Keishin Ukai cleaned some graffiti of the wall outside the school – long black sleeves of his uniform rolled up to his elbows and sports headband on his head absorbing the swear before it slid to his eyes and nose – it was mostly rage what kept him feeling hot inside. Because, yes, he might have been the one who was caught decorating the stupid wall with profanities and yes, he might have been lucky he only got a suspension and cleaning duty as punishment only because his grandfather had interceded on his behalf, but the stupid moron new boyfriend of his now ex-girlfriend deserved to be called all of the things he had eloquently and gracefully captured in red at the front wall of the school. By the time the sun was shining at its highest point in the sky, Keishin had managed to get rid of the first three letters of the biggest word, leaving a trail of pinkish smudges he would probably be made to paint and the word “hole” right after it.

To make things worse, it was now time for the end of classes and all the students who hadn't joined a club were gathering around him in their dark green blazers and skirts and their pristine yellow ties and bows. He had to shut his eyes very strongly if only to avoid snapping at all at the whispering students at the other school.

He had started at least an hour ago, which meant that he was actually working in a good rhythm. He would probably be able to finish around 5 in the afternoon if he continued like that. The only inconvenience was that at that time the remaining students would be leaving after their club activities, which meant he probably was going to see the stupid face of the imbecile who had stolen his girl. He didn’t want to see him or to have to hear the annoying mockery of the other, so he started to work faster. At some point, a teacher - exceptionally beautiful, long hair, glasses, and amber eyes – approached him with a lunch offering. And even if people were used to calling Keishin a delinquent with no respect for authority, the reality was that he was weak to beautiful people, and probably all his past female teachers could attest to that.

Keishin grabbed the sandwich and the bottled tea that was being handed to him and said thank you while noticing how his cheeks started to burn even though the teacher was unfazed. No smile or reply was directed at him, so in the end, Keishin assumed that the teacher had only fed him out of obligation. He ate the sandwich in just a few quick bites and gulped half the bottle of tea before resuming his work.

He managed to finish before 5. Mostly because Keishin had never painted graffiti before and the paint was still a little bit fresh in some areas due to the excessive amount he had used. The most annoying part had been cleaning the drops that had slid to the sidewalk.

He walked to Makoto´s house after giving back the cleaning supplies to the janitor of the school, feeling a huge need to take a shower but in no way wishing to face his mother, who had received the call that morning telling her about the incident. Keishin wasn’t ready to face her rage yet.

“Oi, Keishin!” Makoto mocked when he opened the door and saw him pouting outside of his house “Was it worth it?”

“Shut up. And yes, it was worth it. You should’ve seen his face when he first saw it” it was the truth, even if later the idiot had sent people to make fun of him on his behalf.” Makoto gave way for him to enter and take off his shoes in the genkan. “Where’s Yuu?”

“Still not over me, Kei-kun?” Yuusuke called from the living room. He and Keishin had dated for a few weeks before deciding that they were better as friends. Makoto still felt a little weird around them.

“Should have guessed, I can hear the annoying background music of your stupid 8-bit game”

Keishin followed Makoto to the living room and sat down dangerously close to Yuusuke. Makoto rolled his eyes. They should have just fucked already and let him just live without the constant annoyance of having to feel the tension between them. Still, he was fairly sure they were both virgins, and if things were already awkward now it would probably have been even more so if they had tried.

“I’m going to get some soda, alright? Behave. My mom is upstairs.”

“Whatever”

Keishin let his head rest on Yuusuke’s shoulder while watching him control some sort of aircraft and shoot pixels at different kinds of what looked like flying saucers. The smell of the other’s deodorant was calming, and he soon started to drift into sleep.

“Oi, Kei, wake up. My arm is getting numb”

The blond dyed Yuusuke paused his game and moved Keishin to his lap. He wasn’t completely asleep, he noticed because he had grunted a little when he had called his name. Makoto arrived at his living room again and placed three cans of soda on the low coffee table before giving Yuusuke a judgmental look.

“What?” he said, faking innocence “Come on, just get over it. If you’re jealous we can make out with you too”

“So, you two _still_ make out, huh?”

“Thought it was pretty obvious” Keishin grunted from Yuusuke’s lap and then, turned to face his stomach and circle his waist with his arm.

“I don’t understand you two” Makoto opened his can of orange-flavored soda and took a few sips out of it “you” he pointed at Yuusuke “were begging me to sweet talk my cousin about you just a month ago, and you” his finger poked Keishin’s ribs since he knew he could see him in that position “were suspended _today_ for making a fucking statement of possessiveness over another girl, what’s the deal then?”

Keishin sank his nose deeper into Yuusuke’s abdomen and Yuusuke responded by slowly massaging his shaved scalp with the hand that he wasn’t using to hold onto his soda can.

“Miyamoto-san wasn’t worth it if she just left me for another douchebag. I just needed to do something to express my anger at the whole situation even if she wasn’t that important, to begin with” muttered Keishin, the vibration of his voice tickling Yuusuke and making him laugh a little.

“And in _my_ defense, you didn’t want me having anything to do with your cousin, Makoto. And Kei is _extremely_ good at making out”

“Thanks, babe”

Makoto rolled his eyes and grabbed the controller to resume the game that Yuusuke had left unattended in favor of being gross with Keishin. “Get a room” he muttered and instantly regrated it when Yuusuke asked if they could use his.

In all honesty, both Keishin and Yuusuke knew that Makoto was simply being a douche because he was jealous. Out of the three, he was the one who had better grades, better physical skills, and even a better financial status in life in general, but that had never been enough to be even half as popular as the other two. Yuusuke had natural good looks paired with chivalry and charisma that were difficult to ignore, and Keishin well, girls really did seem to have something for the lone and delinquent type.

When Keishin felt like his energy had come back at least a little, he rose to a sitting position again and asked about training.

“Well, for starters, your gramps was furious and decided to take it on us, thank you very much” Yuusuke commented.

“Yeah, I think I never heard him scream like that before”

“Ugh, sorry”

“What did he tell the teachers at the other school anyway?”

That was an excellent question, and Keishin could only guess the answer. The volleyball team of his school, Karasuno High, was one of the best in the region and his grandfather was the coach. The fact that the idiot who had stolen his girl studied in Datekou, a high school with a decent volleyball team that was always asking for practice matches with his team, and his grandfather talking the principal out of putting Keishin in a reformatory place – which Keishin thought was a little excessive – probably meant that his influence and position as the coach had had something to do with all of it.

Yuusuke left first. He ruffled Keishin’s hair on his way out and teasingly surprised Makoto with a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Keishin expected a long list of cursing being shouted at the blonde while he walked away, but instead, Makoto simply rolled his eyes and let him go. Weird. Once they were alone, Keishin felt the need to tease Makoto about it, but he was still tired from his wall cleaning duty earlier. Instead, he finally grabbed the controller and started playing while Makoto picked up the empty cans and cups scattered around his living room.

At some point, Makoto’s mother went down the stairs and glared at his son, Keishin assumed it was because he hadn’t told her they were coming. She was a nurse and covered night shifts every second day, so she slept for the most part of the day and woke up to have dinner. Makoto and his father were the ones in charge of cooking, and Keishin’s presence in the house meant that there probably wasn’t any food because his son had been too occupied tending to his guest instead of cooking dinner. She was, however, an angel. Or at least that’s what Keishin thought. She obviously knew about the nature of his behavior and mischief, but never treated him as a pest like Yuusuke’s parents did, which was the main reason why they always ended up getting together at Makoto’s instead.

“Hi, Keishin-kun, dear. Have you had dinner yet?” the woman spoke with a tired but gentle smile. “Makoto didn’t tell me you had come, or I would have worn something more fitting, or, you know, at least a bra or something…” she continued, tone of voice turned to passive-aggressive once he started to talk about his son. “I’ll go change”

“No, auntie, it’s alright. I was just leaving”

“Nonsense. Stay for dinner. We can order takeout or something.”

“Mom, I did cook fried rice, you know”

“Do you like Chinese, Keishin-kun? Oh! You probably might want something like pizza instead, right? What toppings do you like?”

“Mom!”

Despite everything, Keishin did stay for dinner that night. They ordered a classic pepperoni pizza that Keishin and Makoto’s mom ate over a happy conversation in which she laughed at Keishin’s story on how he had taken revenge on the guy who had stolen his girlfriend but ended up being punished by it anyway. Makoto sighed and resignedly ate the fried rice until his father arrived from the family shop and helped him finish it. Much later, Keishin left with a container that had a few pizza slices that he was planning on using as a bribe when he arrived home. He knew very well that it wouldn’t change the fact that he would be scolded for the tenth time that day, but at least the fact that his mother and Makoto’s were friends might help him if he mentioned the pizza was from her.

And as expected, his mother spent one complete hour scolding him and telling him all the things he would have to do in order to be punished at home too. These things included waking up earlier to help his father in their camp and taking extra shifts every night at his mom’s family store for a moth after volleyball practice – because at some point his mother had mentioned that he should be grateful to his grandfather and therefore he couldn’t miss training as he pleased as he did sometimes.

All in all, things didn’t turn as bad as they could have. Still, it was a drag to think about all the extra work that he would have to do in order to please his mother enough to un-ground him. The next couple of weeks he spent waking up at what he called illegal hours in the morning to help his father, going to school just because he had promised to finish high school even though he had no idea what to do with his life afterward, attending practice, hearing his annoying grandfather yelling at him for a bad service or whatever, running to the store right after that and doing homework there whenever there weren’t any clients to attend to.

Because Keishin could be a rebellious teenager in his second year of high school, but he was a hard-working and responsible one.

Maybe, just maybe, if Yuusuke’s parents had seen pass his pouty angry face, delinquent-like shaved head, and bad notes, if they had noticed how much effort he put into making his parents proud – even if he did slip once in a while - just maybe, he and Yuusuke could have worked things out. In all honesty, he didn’t want to make Yuusuke lie to his parents about him and it was going to be a pain seeing each other in secret. Besides, Makoto had found out very quickly, and Makoto’s mother was just as perceptive, so it was just a matter of time before Yuusuke’s parents found out too.

Additionally, they were friends. The three knew each other since elementary school. And neither Yuusuke nor Keishin wanted to risk that for their awkwardly discovered crush on each other. It was simpler that way, it was a lot better to simply focus on the love and admiration they had for each other as friends and leaving room for the other to find someone more ideal to date than to make things escalate into a point of no return in which things would just be too complicated and risk breaking 3 hearts in the process.

But at the young age of 16, it was difficult to keep their hands off each other.

Which was a completely different thing, altogether. They were just too used to each other’s presence that the casual touches and affection displays came out naturally from both of them, it was a miracle that they had had the restraint to not being naked and do more sexual stuff so far. And the two of them had decided to stay that way.

And it was a good thing that they did because Keishin could see Makoto’s pining from miles away.

And maybe it was for the better that he didn’t have the guts confess yet because Yuusuke rejecting him was another scenario that would jeopardize their friendship.

More often than not, Keishin found himself thinking that maybe there was something wrong with him. He had dated several people during his last year of high school, which had made him gain a player reputation, and still, he hadn’t felt slightly bad or crushed by the breakups. Damn, even with Yuusuke he wasn’t sure that he had actual feelings for him or if they were just horny. Maybe he was just some sort of asexual person? But he doubted that since he definitely had had some arousal and needs that he could define as sexual.

Whatever, it wasn’t like he was trying to find a fairy tale ending in his life.

What was he doing with his life though? When Keishin was younger he and his friends had shared the many ideas they had for their future plans. Keishin wanted to be a nurse, like Makoto’s mom. Or maybe he would become a professional volleyball player, his gramps would have loved that. In the end he noticed he was just projecting his interests and admiration towards them. Besides, he hated school. He was fairly adequate at math, but only because he kind of needed it to help his mom at the store. He kind of liked science too, but he knew he just wasn’t going to be able to compromise and dedicate his life to studying and forcing his brain cells to learn things. He was athletic, but there were many others who were better and put more effort and deserved it more than him.

All he had was the family small business.

And that was okay too, he was good at it, he knew how to talk to the customers, and at least the ones that visited the store weren’t afraid of Keishin stealing something from them or beating them for looking at him funny because they all had known him since he was just a little kid. But was that going to be enough?

His parents had talked to him several times, telling him that he was free to choose whatever made him happy, but Keishin wasn’t a dreamer type of guy, no, he was content with staying in his small town and frequenting his same friends all his life. He was pleased to be close to his family and to be able to say they had a great relationship. But sometimes, hearing other people talk about a world outside, about adventures and cities that he didn’t know, about people that he would never meet; he felt bad, he felt that perhaps he wasn’t ambitious enough, that everyone was leaving him behind, that he should want what everyone else wanted. He was okay with being indifferent, but sometimes the guilt of not desiring more struck him in the face.

A few days after his month-long burden or extra work he was looking outside the window of his classroom, ignoring the fact that Makoto was whispering his name trying to catch his attention to warn him about the literature teacher approaching him, thinking about that. Did he really want something else? Was there really something else for him out there, somewhere?

“Ukai!” A heavy hand landed on his desk at the same time his name was spluttered, scaring the shit out of him and making him jump on his seat.

“What?” he replied without intention. He was most surprised by the aggressive tone of the teacher.

“You’ve just failed this term and you still have time to daydream in class?”

And just like that, he was given an extra project in order to pass literature.

It was better than detention or another exam, he figured, and at least he would be able to keep his mind busy with something. A change in his routine could be good, even if it meant a week's worth of staying late at the school library and skipping practice…

He couldn’t skip practice.

The team had managed to get to the quarter-finals of the regional tournament, if he were to skip practice now, especially when the starting setter was having health problems, his grandfather was going to literally kill him. He needed to either find an excuse that was good enough to skip or find another way to get the information he needed.

Unfortunately, Keishin and his family didn’t own a computer, and he wasn’t good at technology either so it would have been useless anyway, so the only thing he could think about was to take a visit to the local library during the weekend. They had computers with Internet access there, and books, obviously, and there was also the library staff who could help him if he ever needed assistance in using the computer.

Keishin couldn’t remember the last time he stepped into the library, but he could tell that he was very little back then, and he had only gone there because his grandfather was taking care of him and he needed to give back some books. So, when his only plan to obtain enough information that wasn’t in his textbooks in order to do the extra project to save his stupid ass from failing the subject was to go to the library he begged Makoto and Yuusuke to go with him.

Of course, both of them refused.

And of course, it had to rain that Sunday.

So there he was, on Sunday morning running to the library after stepping down at the bus stop with only his sweatshirt covering his head because he had decided to be an idiot that morning and ignored his mother’s warning of taking an umbrella with him even though it was sunny.

He arrived at the library completely drenched and in a terrible mood. His notebooks and books had barely stayed out of danger only because the bag he was carrying them in was made of a thick layer of leather imitation, and his sneakers and socks felt uncomfortable and soaked in water on his feet.

A lady with a high ponytail and pink lipstick approached him and gave him directions to the bathroom for him to go rinse his clothes a little, and when he finished he felt for the first time the air conditioner hitting him right in the head and causing him to sneeze and shiver. The same lady that had taken pity on him told him that she could give him a towel and called one of his co-workers to bring one.

“Hey, Take-chan! Bring a towel over here please!” she shouted at the direction where the reception desk was. Keishin hadn’t even noticed it or any of the interior of the library for that matter because of his embarrassment and hurry to take off his shoes.

A few moments later a short guy, Keishin deduced around his age, with glasses and curled hair arrived next to them offering a navy blue towel.

“Oh, my. That must have been a long run here.”

Keishin ignored the mocking tone and the towel because he was too busy admiring the delicate features of the guy. His skin was pale and creamy, and his face didn’t show any kind of visible imperfection, the thick frame of his glasses rested on his small nose and his curls framed his forehead in a prettily endearing way. His smile was genuine, even if it rang with undertones of playfulness and mockery, and his eyes, Keishin thought that maybe it was the first time he saw hazel eyes as beautiful as his.

“…that I can give to you if you don’t mind.”

“What?”

“Oh, sorry, was I speaking too fast?” Keishin noticed the lady with the ponytail was gone and that the guy the lady had called Take-chan was holding the towel in his direction. Doubtfully he raised his hand and took it. “I was telling you that I always carry a spare change of clothes in my car just in case. I don’t mind lending it to you.”

“Yeah, right”

“OK, then, I’ll be back in a minute. I recommend you go sit at that side of the library though, the air conditioner isn’t as strong over there.”

And with that, the guy left. Keishin got to see him grab an umbrella before going out to… his car? Damn, that meant he was at least two years older than him. He didn’t look like it though, Keishin could have sworn that he could be his minor. What was the deal with pretty people looking younger than they were? Lost in thought, his legs moved him in automatic to the part of the library that the other had pointed to. He still had the towel in his hands but hadn’t used it. He didn’t have any hair to dry, and he was soon to change clothes, so instead, he used it as a blanket. He only waited for a few minutes before the guy appeared again.

“Here,” he said, handling Keishin a plastic bag with clothes “They might be a little too formal, and I’m not sure they’ll fit since you’re quite tall, but I guess it’s better than going around in wet clothes.”

“Thanks” Keishin said. He grabbed the bag and went to the bathroom once again.

The pair of pants was kind of adjusted for his waist – the other guy did seem to be more on the skinny rather than the athletic side like him – and it was a pain to button up the pale teal shirt, but Keishin had to admit he didn’t look half bad. Not really his style, but he could endure. He decided to leave the last few buttons open and to not tug the shirt into the pants. It was a shame that he wasn’t wearing matching shoes though, the slippers that had been offered to him looked ridiculous with the rest of the outfit, but he couldn’t complain.

He came out of the bathroom and was surprised by the other waiting for him.

“Oh, you look good… er, sorry, what was your name?”

“Keishin” he mentally slapped himself for saying only his given name “Ukai Keishin” he corrected.

“Nice to meet you Ukai-kun. My name is Takeda. Is there anything else I can help you with?” Keishin wanted to think that the reason that this Takeda guy was being so nice was that he was talking to him and not because he was at work.

“Er, yeah…” he fidgeted in his place for a moment before deciding what to say “I have to write an essay for school and…”

“Oh, I see, I see. Well, I can guide you to the computers. I’ll even show you the one that has a better connection. Follow me.”

And Keishin did.

And he never stopped following him since then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a mess of writing either only massive blocks of text or a lot of dialogue, there's no in-between.
> 
> Also, I'm glad you took the time to read this and I hope you liked it. I'm not sure how long this will be because even if I outline then I get ideas and yeah... but I do have the idea of how I want things to happen, so wait for it~


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ukai reflects about the feelings he has for Takeda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, be aware that what Ukai is feeling in this chapter isn't healthy if taken to extremes. Never stop being you for another person. Ukai's feelings won't be always like this, and I'll be working on developing them for the better.
> 
> Also, note that I won't ever condone relationships with underage people, so I won't depict any kind of relationship past friendship and admiration here as long as Ukai is still one.

**_ KOI NO YOKAN _ **

**_Chapter 2:_ **

Love at first sight wasn’t something that Keishin believed in. It was simply an excuse for people in movies and books to sell the cheap idea that love is something immediate, that can happen to anyone at any time. But Keishin wasn’t just anybody. Keishin was a horny teenager with pessimistic ideas about his future that enjoyed eating snacks and playing videogames and volleyball with his two best friends. An only child that had to help his parent to keep the family business in business, a mediocre student that didn’t plan on going to university, an idiotic playboy who hit on any girl – or boy – who seemed to be into him.

Therefore, he concluded that the thing he felt for Takeda was, simply put, attraction. However, it was a different kind of attraction. It wasn’t the kind he felt when he saw a pretty girl smile or when he felt hot when watching a guy in the soccer team practice. It was a pull, something about Takeda that he couldn’t quite put a finger on and that was driving him crazy. He felt nervous and stupid, he had to choose his words carefully in order to avoid saying something silly or too revealing. He found himself dreaming about Takeda at night, at noon, during practice. He remembered his sweet voice calling his name as he smiled and Keishin couldn’t help the smile that crept on his face or the blush that colored his cheeks and the tips of his ears red.

Takeda was fascinating.

And Keishin might not have known anything about him except for his name, – he learned his given name was Ittetsu because he purposefully looked at his worker tag – that he worked in the library and the fact that he was 19 years old.

Three years. Three whole years older than Keishin and still his small body and delicate features hid his age, three years and Keishin still felt like he was a decade apart from him. Because the difference between 16 and 19 didn’t sound that big, until he realized that Takeda was practically an adult and therefore, Keishin must have seemed like a little brat in his eyes.

That Sunday Keishin didn’t fall in love with Takeda, nor the next one, nor the one following, but it was a matter of time before he did. And he didn’t want to.

That Sunday, Takeda had taught Keishin how to use computers and how to find information more easily. He had helped him create an email address and use it to register in different pages with convenient information about his assignment. Takeda had brought him a cup of hot chocolate when it had turned dark and the few people in the library had started to leave. Takeda had given him a ride to the bus stop before waving good-bye. Takeda had smiled and Keishin had felt for the first time that maybe having a crush at that point in his life wasn’t so bad after all.

He couldn’t really compare. The thing that he had going on with Yuusuke was more of an experimental thing, a what if we kissed now and then because we find each other attractive and because I want to defy my parents and I want to have some sense of adventure and danger in my life thing. The kind of thing that wasn’t meant to last forever. The kind that would happen once, stop for weeks, reappear again when it was convenient and then dissolve into nothing when one of them started a new fling. The kind only horny teenage boys like Keishin and Yuusuke had because they discovered that they didn’t like only girls and they needed to taste what it was like with a boy. The kind that wasn’t born out of feelings.

And then there were the other two, maybe three, other boys that Keishin had had a thing with. A kiss behind the school, a walk home holding hands feeling uncomfortable, a confused teenager trying to figure himself out. A bunch of kids just as immature as Keishin using each other to satiate their curiosity before confessing to the girl they liked or actually seeking the reassurance that there were others like them.

Keishin had no experience with love so far, but maybe it was time to give it a try.

But again, whatever it was about Takeda that had captivated him it was useless to even try, right? He didn’t know him at all, Takeda didn’t know Keishin either. The age difference wasn’t big, but it was noticeable and probably _illegal_ , and it also made things impossible. And it was ridiculous to try to force something between them just because he had found the guy attractive. Not like it was the first time that Keishin had pursued someone just because of their looks, but maybe it was the thrill of the forbidden or perhaps the lingering smell of Takeda’s scent that impregnated the clothes he had lent him what awoke in Keishin an urge, a desperation to know how it would be to kiss him and how it would feel to hear his voice in his ear while he whispered his name.

So the week following his first meeting with the man – he didn’t dare to keep calling him a “guy” after finding out his age – he thought hard about conversation topics, he prepared his questions beforehand and practiced saying them in the most natural way he could, he avoided Yuusuke’s calls to meet him behind the gym after practice because he had decided that at least until his curiosity was satiated he would only belong to Takeda.

Next Sunday he didn’t forget to grab his umbrella even when the weather forecast didn’t announce rain simply because he wanted to avoid, if possible, that Takeda could see him again in such an embarrassing state. He packed his books and notebooks in his leather imitation bag even though he had handed in his assignment two days before, folded Takeda’s ironed clothes and placed them carefully inside of a plastic bag, and thanked God that he didn’t catch a cold after last time before running to the bus stop.

This time he was running to the library for a vastly different reason.

At first, he felt disappointment accompanied by a strange and, so far, unknown feeling of his chest being crushed and deprived of air. The lady with the ponytail – whose name he had learned was Miyamura-san – smiled in recognition when he saw him and asked if he needed anything in particular. “ _I need to see Takeda_ ” he wanted to say, but restrained himself enough to say, “ _Just a computer_ ”. Miyamura-san checked in the reception which computers were available while Keishin took a look around hoping to see Takeda, with no success. Finally, he was given access to one of the computers and he left with a bow to that area.

The area where the computers were was desert, like last time. In fact, now that Keishin was paying attention he realized that he was probably the only young person in the library. Before sitting in the computer that was assigned to him, he took another look around and sighed in resignation when he wasn’t able to make out Takeda’s figure anywhere.

At least 30 minutes passed before his initial disappointment started to become impatience, and another 20 minutes before that turned into worry. What if Takeda had quit? What if he had gotten sick? What if he had seen through Keishin and decided to keep his distance? It was nonsensical to think like that, but he couldn’t help it, the irrational part of his thoughts took over the logical one, and started to imagine the worst-case-scenarios possible. He was two thoughts away from thinking that Takeda had moved to another country or that had had a fatal accident when a hand on his shoulder made him jump in surprise.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you Ukai-kun” Takeda took a look at the screen and tilted his head “I thought you had finished your assignment last week?”

Keishin gulped. He had prepared an excuse for that exact question but his whole body felt like it had become gelatin the moment he heard the other’s voice so close.

“Ah, yeah, I did.” And when Takeda smiled he lost his composure “I just came back to give back your clothes” Keishin picked up the plastic bag and offered it to Takeda “I couldn’t come before because of school, and volleyball practice and because I don’t even know when your shifts are so I decided…”

“Oh, it’s okay, you didn’t have to” the older man interrupted “I’m sure a boy like you” the word _boy_ had stung more than expected “has better and more interesting things to do on Sunday than coming to the library. I wasn’t really expecting to have them back, but thank you, I actually quite fancy this specific shirt”

“I’m sure it looks nice on you” Keishin blurted, and he felt the blood of all his body flowing to his face “I mean, it’s a nice shirt”

Takeda smiled and placed his hand on Keishin’s shoulder once more “Thank you”

And now that he had done what he had said he was there to do; the next step was to leave because the excuse he had planned was just unusable now that he had opened his mouth without thinking. He went through the list of conversation topics he had planned in his head but everything was confusing up there with thoughts of Takeda’s smile and the smell of his cologne and how nice the light brown turtle neck fitted him, and Keishin was again getting out of track.

“You play volleyball then?”

Takeda’s voice took Keishin out of his trance. He wondered for a moment if he had been quiet for just a couple of milliseconds or if he had caused an exceedingly long and awkward silence without noticing. Whichever it had been, at least Takeda was trying to continue the conversation.

“Yes, in Karasuno High. My grandfather is the coach… Wait, do you like volleyball, Takeda-san?” the name still sounded foreign in his tongue with the honorific, mostly because in his dreams he didn’t have to use it.

“Uh, not really, no. You just don’t look like an athlete”

The feeling of disappointment came back.

“What do I look like then?” Keishin wasn’t sure, but maybe his voice had sounded a little bit disillusioned.

“Honestly? A yakuza” then Takeda started to laugh “But it’s okay, I know you aren’t, you’re missing the tattoos”

“Not funny” and this time Keishin knew for sure that he was pouting. “You don’t look 19” he added as he stuck his tongue out of his mouth.

“I’ll take that as a compliment” Takeda responded almost automatically as if he had answered the same thing several times before. He was grinning in a way that Keishin’s mind registered as seductive. “I kind of need to go back to work, so if you don’t need anything…”

“No” Keishin did his best to not sound desperate “What do you have to do anyway? The place is almost empty”

“The books on the _Used_ deposits don’t go back to their place on their own”

“You mean the _empty_ deposits? I think they’ll be alright”

Takeda laughed. “I still have to make rounds in case one of them needs to be put back in its shelf” he straightened his back “Would you like to come?”

It felt like a dream, and Keishin couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, he had a real chance. The ball of nerves was still present at the pit of his stomach, and he was still over conscious of everything he was saying, but at the same time, he felt as if bubbles were popping inside of his body and his head felt light and funny. He followed him when an old woman approached him asking for a book of recipes, and he followed him when he guided her; he followed Takeda when his round took him to the front desk to check with Miyamura-san that there wasn’t anything important to tend to and when he called him his _curious assistant_ in front of her with a voice that felt like honey being poured over the sweet way in which he pronounced each syllable.

He stopped following when Takeda made him notice that it was already late, and the library was closing soon.

Takeda asked him to wait for him to close and offered to drive him to his bus stop again. Keishin didn’t hesitate for a second to say yes. Keishin had to contain his need to reach for Takeda’s hand on the gear lever more than once, but the ride was over too soon to give him a chance. It was dawn and there wasn’t anyone else at the bus stop, so Takeda asked Keishin to stay in the car until they saw the bus coming just in case. They waited almost in silence, Takeda humming to the rhythm of a song that was being played on the radio. Keishin felt his old-fashioned phone vibrate in his pocket and he picked up annoyed. His mother wanted to know where he was. After reassuring her that he was already waiting for the bus she hung up asking him to be careful.

Takeda broke the silence to offer to take him home. According to Keishin, it was 20 to 30 minutes away, so he wouldn’t have any trouble driving him “As thank you for the help today” he had said. Keishin was about to accept when a pair of distant but familiar lights were reflected on the rearview mirror of Takeda’s car. “Oh, never mind, here comes your bus”

Keishin got off and Takeda started to move. “Takeda-san!” Takeda stopped and turned to Keishin “Thank you” Keishin said even though what he wanted was to ask if it was okay for him to come again.

“It’s not a problem, Ukai-kun. See you around”

.

.

 _See you around_ meant that Takeda was indirectly telling him to go back, right? He was actually expecting to see him again, wasn’t he? These and other thoughts flooded Keishin’s mind that night. When he had arrived he barely paid attention to his mom’s questioning of where he was and why he was late, he also barely tasted the flavor of the grilled fish that they had for dinner and his mind was too occupied with thoughts of Takeda to notice that he had been in the bath for almost an hour until his father knocked at the door.

 _See you around_ also meant that Keishin was now completely screwed, didn’t it?

He wanted to talk about it with someone, but who? Yuusuke was out of the question, if his parents discovered he was talking to Keishin at 11 p.m. on a Sunday with Keishin he would have problems. Makoto then? He wasn’t sure if he would want to listen, but he didn’t have any other option. He grabbed his cellphone and searched for his name on the contact list.

“Keishin? Is everything okay? Did you forget to do the math homework again?” Makoto’s voice sounded sleepy over the phone, which meant Keishin had woken him up.

“Shit! I forgot!” Keishin threw himself to the bed and turned to face the wall “But no, that’s not it”

“What is it then? I was already asleep”

“How do you know that you’re in love?”

Keishin’s question obviously startled Makoto, so much that the sound of sudden movement and chair sliding took over his voice on the other side of the line.

“Keishin, are you…? What the fuck?”

“I don’t know” he sighed contemplating his next words carefully “You are in love, aren’t you?”

Makoto was probably drinking water because Keishin heard him spit it and burst out laughing followed by his sister’s voice asking him to shut up. He didn’t interrupt him, he expected that kind of reaction.

“What is it with you? No! Why would I? Who could I…?”

“It’s Yuu, isn’t it?

For a moment, Keishin feared that Makoto had hung up, but there wasn’t any beeping noise that indicated that was the case. Still, the silence was starting to become uncomfortable, so Keishin called his name a few times.

“Yeah” the voice said “Yeah, I might be”

“How do you know?”

“Keishin, this is… I don’t feel comfortable sharing this with _you_ out of all people. You and Yuu still meet each other to fool around, don’t you? It’s not like I’m blind or anything, I’m just very stupid”

“You’re not stupid” Keishin breathed “I’m sorry. I suspected it, but you were giving mixed signals and I couldn’t tell for sure. I promise to stop, I’ll tell him”

“Don’t you dare”

“No, no, not that. I’ll tell him we should stop.”

“You don’t have to do that. If you two…”

“I met someone” and Makoto could hear Keishin’s hesitant voice and could picture the way his lips trembled when he said that “He’s older, three years older. I don’t want Yuusuke”

Once again, silence took over the phone call. The only audible sound was their respective breathings and the fans working. There was also Makoto’s cat purring in the background. Keishin felt as if he was naked in front of an audience as if layers and layers of heavy fabric had just been ripped off his body leaving him defenseless and completely exposed. It felt nice.

“I’m… glad? Yeah, I’m glad to hear that, I guess. The Yuu, part, I mean. Doesn’t mean that I’ll jump to him on the first opportunity or that I’m happy your thing is over because you leave freeway to me. I’m glad because you are finally letting go. It was toxic and complicated, keeping the secret, faking feelings that neither of you feels, so yeah.”

“And the other part?”

“Well, I don’t know. Tell me about this person. Oh wait, you said _he_ , right? Tell me about him”

“There’s not much to tell. I don’t know him”

“How do you know you have feelings for him then?”

“I don’t, that’s why I call. I need help here, Makoto, I’m confused”

The next thirty minutes of the call was a recount of how Keishin had met Takeda and a description of that invisible pull that kept tugging his heart in his chest, the inexplicable curiosity and desire to learn more and to touch and to be torn apart by the other.

“It feels like when you bite your nails, you know it’s a bad idea, but you keep doing it anyway because now that you’ve broken one the others are now a different length and you can’t stand it. Or like putting your hands on fire wondering if it will burn and in how long even though you already know the answer”

“That sounds very dangerous, Keishin”

“It is. I know virtually nothing about him, but I wish he wanted to tell me. I want him to notice me and to use me however he wants to”

Makoto grew silent. He understood that feeling all too well, but his own came from the fear of not being corresponded, not of the wonder of what it would be if Yuusuke wanted him even if it was only to play with him, which was the idea he was getting from listening to Keishin. Each word made it sound worse, but he couldn’t stop him.

“It sounds to me” he finally interrupted “that you have a need to possess, Keishin. That isn’t love”

“What is it then? It’s too strong, I can’t control it, but it’s not unwanted. I never felt this for anybody before”

“He is older than you, and he knows about you just as much as _you_ know about _him_ which is basically nothing, he has not idea who you are so he doesn't have any room to judge you, and he was nice to you in spite of that, he didn’t treat you as a kid, which is something that bothers you about adults, but as an equal. He’s a mystery to you, something unattainable and you want it because of that. You don’t love him, he’s just totally different from everyone you have ever been with.”

“Maybe”

“You should stop seeing him. Let him go. We’re young, we shouldn’t need to worry about that kind of stuff. You have plenty of life to find what you’re looking for in a relationship”

Makoto was right. And Keishin knew it, he knew it wasn’t love, he knew he was just craving the attention of Takeda because he was something he couldn’t have, a challenge, a disturbance in his otherwise unperturbed and normal life. An optional route that he could take just to admire the landscape even though it was full of rough patches and irregular turns that would make the journey longer and difficult to finish. An escape from his ordinary life.

That didn’t stop Keishin from grabbing his things next Sunday and catching the bus downtown warning his mother that he would be arriving late that day. And every other Sunday after that one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for sticking here with me on this rollercoaster of emotion~
> 
> This particular chapter was challenging to write not because I don't understand the feelings, but because I know them all too well and it was sometimes difficult to put them into words, so I really hope I have conveyed them clearly and accurately.
> 
> Finally, a big thanks for the few comments and kudos last chapter. They made me very happy. I hope you stay here the rest of this journey!


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